Today me and baby boy spent the day doing some of our favorite activities. We went to get crepes for lunch, roamed around the bookstore, and went to a gym class at the baby gym and chased each other around (yes, I know…you know you are a mom when this is your idea of a great Saturday afternoon). Before I met Luc, I remember spending Saturday afternoons alone in the bookstore and other places and watching other people my age out with their spouses and children. I remember feeling hopeful that I would one day have that, but also feeling incredibly lonely.
Now, its a little different. Me and baby boy are our own little family. I still, however, sometimes feel small stabs in my heart when I see parents with their children walking through the bookstore together. I know baby boy has a lot of love at home between me and his grandparents, but I still feel myself mourning the life I hoped for with Luc before I knew he was a psychopath.
These feelings of sadness have started to make me think about how I got into this situation with Luc. Why was I such a good target? How was I able to ignore so many signs?
Donna Anderson, on her blog “lovefraud.com” posted a video talking about how sociopaths “love bomb” their victims by showering them with affection in the beginning of the relationship. She made the point that this is often what cults do in order to get people to join and pray upon people’s weaknesses. The term “love bombing” really hit home for me because that is exactly what Luc did. He swooped in at a time when I was vulnerable and he dropped a bomb the size of Hiroshima.
Just before I met Luc, I had been down in the dumps after a breakup with the man I believed I would spend the rest of my life with. In some ways, I wonder if I was projecting what I wanted onto Luc instead of what was really there. I wanted so badly to have my own family that when Luc presented the potential for family and showered me with affection, I fell for it hook line and sinker.
My relationship with Luc was like a roller coaster of the worst type. This roller coaster went from 0-120 as soon you got half way into the seat. My head was spinning so fast (not to mention that I was hanging on for dear life because I wasn’t strapped in) that I wasn’t thinking straight. He was so intense and I remember feeling like I had met my soul mate. In reality, my head was still spinning at the beginning of the roller coaster and hadn’t gotten a chance to catch up with my heart.
Unfortunately, pregnancy didn’t help. I was so caught up in Luc that before I knew it I was pregnant and living with him. Interestingly enough, as soon as I got pregnant the “more real” Luc started to come out. He wasn’t as attentive. He stopped taking me on dates and he started to emotionally abuse me. He also started to manipulate me into giving him money. I started paying for his mortgage. At first, I was “helping out” and after a couple of months “helping out” turned into full on supporting him and his lazy lifestyle. I would work 8 hrs plus a day (while pregnant) and he would call me up on the way home (after a full day of sleeping and video game playing) to ask me to buy some groceries for him.
The emotional abuse turned uglier when in the dead of winter he would shut off the heat in an attempt to get me to pay more. I can’t for the life of me understand why I didn’t leave this mad man. I remember being sick when I was pregnant and he would leave me by myself in the bedroom and yell at me for throwing up on his floor (before leaving me to fend for myself). Whenever I needed him, he would disappear and make up a lie about being busy with “work”.
So what lessons can I say I have learned from all this? Well, I am NOT going to be “love bombed” again. After surviving the Hiroshima of love bombs, I need to make sure that I am strong enough and smart enough to not get on that roller coaster ever again. Before I trust or take a chance, I am going to stand back and watch. I was not guarded with my heart before and I wore it all over my sleeve. To a degree, that is part of who I am; however, before I get into a serious relationship again I have made a pact with myself to go into it with my eyes wide open.
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