I have heard people tell me that when grieving for someone you love, you have to take it one day at a time. Today, I was trying to take it one second or minute at a time. Some people might wonder why I am still writing through all of this tragedy, but to me its simple – I have to tell the story of my little angle. I have to remember him in a way that might help others. I have to keep writing about him, talking about him, and remembering him.
The process of grieving for a dead child is not natural. Today, I went to the church and planned my son’s funeral. It was very possibly the weirdest thing I could imagine. I felt as if I was talking about heaven, yet standing at the gates of hell. As I looked through the hymns and chose readings, my heart felt like it was beating on the wrong side of my chest. I know I seem crazy because I go from appearing to be lucid to completely breaking down.
I’m not sure what to do with myself going forward. I still look around for him everywhere I go. I never realized how closely I watched him until now when he is gone. It seems like so much energy went into keeping him safe that I am having trouble going back to just focusing on myself. I am in so much pain and my mind is completely shutting down on me. I have actually heard people around me have to say things to me several times in order for me to process what they are saying. Time is slowing down and I am watching the world move past me and wondering how I can rejoin society without my heart.