Screaming at the top of my lungs

Today I spent most of my day on a plane traveling.  Looking out at the clouds, my thoughts were a reflection of how my mind is racing in a million directions.  I wondered how my son was doing in heaven, if he was mad at me for not fighting hard enough to protect him, whether Luc would ever have to pay for all the terrible things he has done…

Amongst these thoughts, I also wonder how I will feel once I slow down.  Ever since Prince died, I have been running.  I have been running and “screaming”.  By “screaming” I mean that I have been screaming to everyone who will listen to me through my writing and through my words about what happened to my son.  I haven’t just been screaming since Prince died.  In fact, I started screaming the moment I left Luc’s hellish cave.  The difference now is that it seems as if people are finally listening.  It kills me that it took my son’s death for others to realize what I have known since the moment I walked out of that man’s house and saw what he really was.
Seven weeks ago, I had to take my baby off of life support after learning that his brain was officially dead.  Though I have been trying to run away from the memory of that night, its times like this when those memories creep back into my mind.  I was holding Prince when his heart stopped beating.  I remember wearing a white adidas jacket – he bled all over my sleeve.  I remember feeling completely helpless because no matter what I did – I couldn’t do the only thing I wanted in the world to do.  I couldn’t bring my little boy back.
Last night I was on the phone with a friend.  As I told him about all the plans I had and how I wanted to hold people accountable, he stopped me and said, “You need to grieve.  You can do it now – or later – but you need to grieve.”
He’s right and I know this, but I’m scared.  I’m scared because there is nothing I can do with those thoughts.  I am scared that if I let them in, I won’t get out of bed.  I am scared that I will die right along side my son.
I am also determined not to let Luc have that sort of power over me.  Psychopaths count on scaring their victims into silence.  I will not allow him to do that to me.
So I sit here thinking about how I will “strike a balance” between grief and strength.  I cannot slow down until I am sure my son will not be forgotten.  I think about Prince every day and every minute.  I think about all the things I wish I had done and all the things I wish he had been able to do.  Lately, however, I have also thought about the things that I can do in order to be sure that Prince (through his memory) still has an impact on the living.
Several of my friends and family have expressed the reality in how dangerous it is for me to speak publicly about what Luc has done to me and my family.  I understand that danger better than anyone (because I lived and continue to live in fear).  That being said, I will not stop because even though I was not first – I want to be the last.  I want to be the last woman who is charmed and conned by this man.  I respect my son’s memory and my role as his mother too much to be silent and hide in a corner because I am afraid.
Yesterday I went to the police station.  Before leaving, I said, “If something happens to me, there is only one person who could be responsible.  I have only one person who wishes I were dead and would do anything to silence me.  One person.”  While nobody likes to hear someone say this to them, I am realistic enough to know that my odds of survival are not as good having been involved with this man.
I could be silenced by fear – but that is not who I am.  I guess I wasn’t the perfect target after all.  This particular con ends with me.

Comments

  1. Greetings, I’ve been following your blogs for a while, starting at Lovefraud. I know that Luc’s evil ways will soon come to an end; he has no idea of “The Power of Love”, by this I mean he has no idea what a mother is capable of doing and achieving for the love of her child, even if the child is gone. R.I.P. Prince; we are all supporting and praying for your mom!

    • cappuccinoqueen says:

      Thanks for your support Olga. I appreciate you following me over from Lovefraud. After some really insensitive comments and personal attacks were allowed to remain on that site against me, I decided to part my ways and just keep writing here.

  2. Good for you CQ. You keep fighting that good fight. Know that many, many people care. Many, many people grieve for and with you, wishing we’d known about this man a whole long time ago. Wishing there was some way we could have known and by some miracle helped you prevent this from happening. I keep you lifted in prayer. {{{{Hugs}}}}

  3. I think you need to allow yourself to be angry now and truly grieve “soon”. Is the next step an announcenent of an official cause of death – and then the police can take action?

    • cappuccinoqueen says:

      Kin, I honestly don’t know what the next step is. In my old reality the official cause of death would lead them to take action. My new reality – I am not so sure. I will let you all know, however, as soon as I know.

  4. sandy pasquale says:

    Two things you mentioned have hit really close to home: “the reality in how dangerous it is to speak publicly” & “If something happens to me, there is only one person who could be responsible. I have only one person who wishes I were dead and would do anything to silence me. One person.” This is the reality of how I breathe on a daily basis as I would sure not call this living…dealing with a Narcissist Psychopath.

    I was in an abusive relationship for well over 10 years and survived some of the most unthinkable acts: spat on, bit
    on the face, confined, choked to the point of near unconsciousness, suspected poisoning, raped, etc., it was all to maintain CONTROL (all of which has been reported to the police and court system). I’ve had a No Contact Order and 3 Orders of Protection against my husband (at the time). Splitting assets wasn’t what he had in mind when I threatened divorce. He then solicited and conspired with someone to have me killed (the commission of the crime caught on audio via police informant) it hit the front page of the Pharos Tribune (back in 2007). There was a blog started and a posting I have never forgotten…It indicated that if anything was to happen to me, HE would be “suspect numero uno.” Unfortunately as time passes, people tend to forget what he has done and because he was NEVER CHARGED for the crime most people think he is innocent. Solicitation and Criminal Conspiracy to commit the act of Murder are both Class A Felonies, no charges filed just as criminal as the acts themselves…Reprehensible!

    (4 years later) Instead of erring on the side of caution and protecting my children a Judge granted the NP custody of our 3 children when I requested to move out of State as a result of relentless harassment and violating the Protective Order (which was nothing more than a piece of paper and wasted ink). The GAL suggested that I should “move on” and create some type of working relationship (with the Narcissistic Psychopath) for the sake of the children. She also suggested that just because he abused me doesn’t mean he abuses the children. Excuse me but once an abuser, always an abuser…I’m out of the picture so he is abusing whomever he can get his hands on-he targets those who cannot protect themselves. Everyone involved in the matter has decided I am the problem and need psychiatric help. This is all because “you cannot let the murder for hire incident go” verbatim which came straight from the Judges mouth. At my last court appearance DCS UNsubstantiated numerous accounts of both neglect and abuse of all 3 children by the NP with tangible evidence provided. This in addition to getting away with murder (so to speak) only proves one thing…it pays to have friends in high places. Chalk it up to the Good Ole Boy’s Club who will one day be exposed and held accountable for their actions.

    My First Amendment Right to Freedom of Speech may be all I have left in life (since my children were taken and placed in this horrible situation) and I intend to use it. I advised the DCS caseworker (who thinks corporal punishment for children is ok), Counselor, GAL and Judge that when my children end up dead that they will be the responsible parties. I will fight to the bitter end for my children I don’t care whether or not anyone thinks I’m crazy. I am NOT crazy but I can attest to the fact that I’m being driven there by people who just don’t give a damn about my children.

    I want to thank you for sharing your story, there are so many of us with similar circumstances in dealing with a psychopath who “works” the system and gets everything he wants (which is only REVENGE for your leaving him). People need to recognize victims as such they did not ask to be placed in this position. Falling prey to a PRETENSE should not deliver a lifetime of terror and tears.

    Adrenaline of the UNKNOWN is the force that drives you, it never goes away…this keeps you in a SAFE place as it heightens your awareness. Peace be with you and your family.

  5. You are very brave….I cannot understand the mind of an abuser, nor do I want to. In having read your posts, I am able to only imagine the things that had happened to you to prompt you to leave him to begin with. I hope, that for your sake and that of your precious son, that he is put away for good. He deserves nothing less.

  6. Not only were you lucky to have Prince, he was lucky to have you. Prince isn’t mad at you, let’s be honest you would have laid down your life for him, as any good parent would do. None of this is your fault, you fell in love with the man Luc showed you, anyone who has been, or affected by, an abusive relationship knows these Twats (I’m sorry but that’s as polite as I can be) who abuse aren’t normal and they never will be. Prince will be proud of his mana, what’s not to be proud of. I believe if anyone can get justice for Prince, it’s you, and I believe you will get justice for Prince x

  7. You have a very wise friend. He’s right, you need to grieve sometime, but you’re too busy fighting for Prince right now to worry about yourself. I worry about how hard the grief will hit you when the battle for justice is over and you are left with time to focus on yourself. I pray that you have the support you will need because it’s going to be tough. I pray that justice comes, and that when it does it will ease some of the pain, but I know you will never stop grieving for Prince. Well, you will stop grieving, but that won’t be until you see him again and you are both in the arms of Jesus. Thank God for eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.

  8. I am in awe of your strength Cappiq. I say keep going. You know what needs to be done. I always believed you. I know what these ruthless creatures are like. I am sorry he got your son but maybe it will end once and for all with you and Prince. You cannot fear him. He better fear you. Like it was said above, a mothers love is much stronger than she even knows. Fighting in the courts is not a fair fight. It’s 20 bullies of the corrupt judicial system against ONE just like on the playground. You cannot hold yourself at fault for being unable to win up against that.. Prince knows you did what you could. Now he’s helping you.

    I keep praying for strength and peace for you. Eralyn

    The mom above who has to look over her shoulder with the psycho narcisist, I hope your kids remain safe and come back to you. Take care of yourself and don’t let those non-caring people get to you. I know you can’t play nice with a narcisist psycho, it’s like trying to play nice with a shark when you just lost a limb…… I know…….

  9. There are many predictable outcomes with psychopaths, but the worst are when they kill our children or the court awards them custody which is a living death for the children and the healthy Mom or Dad.
    Their goal is to drive us insane or to the point of committing a crime and then they will move onto their next victim. It is their nature. They have no conscience. Their DNA is made up to know and execute one thing: destruction.
    So, how do we grieve? How do we deal with the overwhelming frustration, anger, resentment, shock, trauma and other emotions that surround us in the chaotic life created by the psychopath? Minute by minute. Breath by breathe. Literally.
    This is how I have survived 23 despite the psychopath in my life that first targeted and tried to destroy me when I lived with him for 10 years and the past 13 years where he has manipulated and hurt my daughter in order to destroy my sanity. He lost a long time ago. But the pain is unbearable most of the time because I cannot get her away from him without breaking the law. I won’t break the law because it is against my conscience but more importantly, it is the only way that they could stop me seeing her, loving her, giving her hope.
    So, I found a way to transform the toxic emotions and energy they send our way and it is making me stronger every day. It is making my daughter stronger everyday:
    I breathe in the pain, fear, anger, anxiety or whatever emotions are swirling around in my heart, brain and soul. These emotions are a result of some action or inaction that the psychopath has taken to break me down. As I breathe the emotions in, one at a time, I see them travel into my heart, where my love for my daughter resides, and I see the hatred, resentment, negativity transformed. I breathe out loving kindness for my daughter. I breathe out forgiveness and compassion to the human being that once existed before the psychopath took over his being.
    I teach my daughter this exercise.
    I do it every single day, anytime I feel overwhelmed by grief or any strong emotion.
    When we are angry, or driven by angry and adrenaline, we can’t think, plan or strategize effectively. When we choose to love our way any conflict or attack, we remain calm in our centre, and no psychopath in the universe can bring us down.
    Hera, Darling, your sharing the truth with us strengthens us, flames our compassion and love for you and your son and leads the way down this narrow path of righteousness.
    Know one thing our strong, wonderful friend – we will not rest until we see justice in your case.
    In love and light, Lee

  10. Sandy and Hera,
    Thank you for sharing your stories and therefore your strength. Neither of you are crazy. We on these pages know that. Through your actions, you’re not only protecting your children, but you’re making the world a better place. We should all be grateful for it.
    Lee, that’s a beautiful exercise. I’ve used it in the past, and thanks for reminding me of it again. It’s so much better to live in love. That’s actually the worst thing the psychopath took from me–my ability to love–and I’m determined to get that back again.
    All best to all of you who continue to fight.

  11. Thank you thank you thank you for not being silenced. Courage, integrity and honesty…. you have it in abundance!
    Hugs

  12. God Bless you Hera…
    Justice will be served. That evil man took something precious away from you and now it’s God’s turn to take away from him..He is a Cold Blooded Murderer and not only did he murder your son but his mother and my cousin Shay and if he didn’t kill Shay he had someone else do it (which that person was questioned before but wouldn’t speak to authorities) No one else wanted to harm her but him and the same thing you said he did to you he was doing to her…he thought he was going to get away with your son’s death b/c he has gotten away with Murder twice but Karma came for him and now he has to pay. I hope he Rots in hell where he belongs b/c he will only murder again if he is set Free..it’s in his blood that’s all he knows how to do now…I really think he has killed before, he’s just been lucky but now his luck has completely run out!! Justice for all the murdered victims! Keep Fighting the Fight for your son.. you will definitely come out the winner!!

    • cappuccinoqueen says:

      Thanks Tee777, I am so sorry for the loss of your cousin. I am so sorry that they never got her killer. Had they been able to catch him, this might not have happened. :(

      • We All knew that Luc was the only one that had a motive to kill her, she had No other enemies..she did however Argue with a girl that was luc ex but not getting into that right now… but the authorities suspected Luc but could never get any proof (so they say) So my question to them now is “what evidence do you have now after 10 yrs??? I will continue to pray for you and your family that you get Justice for your precious son and maybe one day i will meet you and give you a big hug…keep doing what you are doing, keeping your son alive and putting Luc where he belongs…in Hell!!

        • cappuccinoqueen says:

          Tee777, we all know who killed Shawn. In fact, the killer himself never said he didn’t do it. He simply said, “they don’t have anything on me!” Those were his own words in his pathetic attempt to hijack the discourse online. See is a sick human being. To me, now that he is behind bars where he belongs, the focus needs to turn on the system that allowed him to move on after that crime and continue to hurt people. This all should have ended with Shawn. She would be furious at the system if she were still here. In fact, I am sure that she had a hand in sending my son down here to get rid of that bastard once and for all. Shawn wanted to protect her son who has suffered through ten years with that monster. We can all pray that the sole survivor – Shawn’s son – is going to be ok.

  13. You go girl!!! What an inspiring post. I have been reading your blog all day, :). I can not wait until the day I have your strength. Right now I am still terrified of my ex and what he would do to me or our three children if I start telling the world how he really is. I don’t know where he is right now, I just know he’s in another state and I want to keep it that way. I have been trying to draw the least amount of attention to us as possible. I’ve heard he has moved on to a new victim and that she is having problems with him as well. :( On one hand I really feel for this woman. On the other hand I am so relieved to have his fangs out of me for a while I don’t know what to do.

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