Surrounded by people – but still alone

It’s Christmas Eve tonight.  One year ago, this very moment, I was tucking my son into bed and preparing to wrap his presents for his first Christmas.  Looking back, I am glad that I was unaware of how bad things would get.  I was able to celebrate my son’s first Christmas like he would have so many more.  It was my son’s first Christmas, but it was also his last.

I didn’t go shopping this year and I haven’t been able to listen to Christmas music.  Nothing seems to matter without Prince.  I have been smiling to make others happy and going through the motions, but truth be told – I wish this holiday would just pass this year. It’s just another day that I have to wake up without my baby boy.

I woke up this morning and my first thought was how I needed to go get Prince.  Then, I remembered  that he was gone.  Even though its been nine weeks since he passed away, I still wake up sometimes and its like he is dying all over again.

My belief in God might be what’s keeping me from completely falling apart.  While so many people have tried to comfort me by saying that Prince is in a better place, this doesn’t seem to give me peace.  A better place for Prince would be here on earth where he would be allowed to live out his life.  Instead, he was never given that chance that he deserved.  So while he is not here suffering along side his grieving Mama, I am not so sure that he is in a better situation than he would be had he been allowed to live.

 

So right now as the police, the judge, the lawyers, the prosecutors, and the medical examiner all sit down with their families and prepare to spend the holiday full of joy and happiness, I remember the one Christmas my son was allowed to have.  I think about how this Christmas I will be visiting his grave instead of watching his face light up with joy while opening presents.  It’s this time of year when people take a vacation from things like death, duty, and “solving murders”.  Instead, they hug their children extra tight and thank God they aren’t me tonight.

 

I am surrounded by what feels like thousands of people, but tonight – I am completely all alone.  I am left with the thoughts of my dead son.  The child I was not allowed (by law) to protect.  I was a mother interrupted and my son was living on borrowed time.

 

Though my son was a shining star in my life, these past three years have been full of pain.  I grieve my son, but I have been grieving the loss of happiness, innocence, and justice since the day I left the devil.  I took my newborn son out of what I knew to be a life threatening situation and the courts send him right back.  I was not allowed to be his mother.

 

I sit here tonight remembering my son and thinking about all the things I wish he could have done – the places he could have seen – and the milestones he should have met.  I wonder when it will be that I am aloud to live my life and leave this monster in the shadows where he belongs.

 

So tonight, I don’t feel thankful for much in the face of this terrible loss.  I do, however, thank God for the fire burning rage I have inside of me.  It is this rage that keeps me fighting for Justice.  While I know that all of those who had a hand in killing my son will one day have to answer to God for their sins, I am certain that God left me behind to make sure that these same people don’t get away with these same sins here on earth.  Bottom line – there is nothing scarier to a public servant who has done wrong than a mother scorned.  There is nothing scarier to a psychopath than a woman who is not afraid to shine a light on what he really is.

Comments

  1. It’s Christmas Eve… I am alone, and lonely. My children, all four of them are grown and have children of their own, either bio or adopted. Some of my children even have grand children. Because of me, there are fifteen other people celebrating this Holy Day. And I am alone, and lonely…. BUT, this is as it should be. I am old and my children are adults who are making their own traditions and celebrating with their children. A Mom cannot be divided up into parts to be with each of her children.

    And then I read this post and I am shattered. A Mother alone and lonely. A Mother having been robbed of her only child. A Child robbed of life. A “better place” people say… I hear this and see it written time and time again and I wonder what these people are thinking. I am so sorry you are hurting, but I cannot imagine there are any words that can comfort. No gestures that can soothe the pain. I want so much to be able to help you but am a total loss because I cannot KNOW the torture you live with. I see you, in my minds eye, a beautiful woman dressed in fine clothes, maybe at a party or in church.. somewhere that there are many people surrounding you.. I see you being the one with the sweetest smile, speaking with eloquence, and ever so graceful.. and even surrounded you are not only alone and lonely but you have a gaping hole in your heart because you are no longer whole.

    If only there was something I could offer.. some way to help you…. I’m sorry.. I just don’t know how to even begin.
    I do know how deeply it hurts to loose one you love with all of your heart. I do know that the pain is forever a part of your being… but because I have not lost a child, I cannot compare my sufering to yours.

    • cappuccinoqueen says:

      Marica, your suffering is still valid. I wish you as much happiness as you can bring yourself to have on this day. I am sorry you are lonely.

  2. My heart breaks for you, the only good thing about Prince not being here, is that Luc can’t hurt him (anymore ?) I’m so sorry Prince isn’t here for you and pray you get Justice for him xx

  3. Hera, I cannot compare my suffering to yours either, but I have this thought about grief which I’d like to share with you. I have not lost a child, but I have grieved deeply in my life over many, many losses. Some losses that you too may have experienced; happiness (I’ve never had any man truly love me, and I never had a father either), justice (I endured parental abuse and marital abuse, as well as financial abuse which bankrupted me), innocence (I used to trust everyone), freedom (I was trapped for 12 years by my spath’s threats), time (I lost 13 years of my life to a man who hated me). Some of my grief you probably could never understand completely, because you haven’t experienced it specifically, but you understand grief (sadly and tragically), so in a way, you’ll understand. I have a disability which has cost me an awful lot. I wanted to be a nurse all of my life but my disability prevented that from every happening. I’ve never been able to work in a satisfying job or have a meaningful career. This has been a tremendous source of grief in my entire adult life. Grief…. lots of flavors (like ice cream), but the same, because we all know what grief feels like.

    The reason I am telling you this is that I would like to recommend a book to you that I read years ago and have since read many times over. It has helped me with my grief even though I could not identify with the specific pain the author endured. The reason this book helped me so much is that even though I could not understand losing a child, I did (and still do) understand what grief feels like. You will identify with the author much better than I did because he lost a child. The book is called, “If God is So Good, Why Do I Hurt so Bad?” The author is David Biebl. I hope you’ll read it because it will help answer some of your questions and doubts about where little Prince is and why God allows these things to happen.

    God bless you Hera. I’ll be praying for you.

    • cappuccinoqueen says:

      Thanks for the suggestion Christine. I am sorry for your suffering. I have said before that pain is pain – no better or worse – only different. Even if you haven’t had the specific pain of losing a child, it seems clear to me that you can understand pain and grief from personal experience. While I am suffering the loss of my son and grieving for him, I have been grieving for a lot of things since Luc walked into my life. Even though Luc tried to rob me of everything and remove happiness from my life, I know that this is not going to be possible. Right now, I am taking the time to mourn my son and the life that he will never get to have. That being said, I intend on being whole against despite Luc’s attempts to ruin me. No matter how sad I am, I will never be as pathetic and sad as he is because I have the ability to love – even though I have lost. I will love again and someday I will be able to think about Prince without thinking about the evil/pathetic/monster who took him from this earth.

  4. It’s Christmas Day and, in between making the motions associated with this holiday, I have just finished reading your posts to date. Through your words, I know your story but it’s impossible to know your pain and what you must be feeling, ever changing, moment to moment. No words feel appropriate to say except I am so very sorry for the loss of your son, for everything that has happened to you. I care deeply and so, I am here, standing with you as you stand for Prince and all the other children whose lives have been touched by tragedy.

    I found this blog last evening through a continuous reaching for that which tempers my grief and deepens my understanding of my own recent exposure to disordered men. (Two in a row.) If I may borrow your words from November, CQ:

    “A lot of people have been wondering how it is that I am able to keep talking about this and why I haven’t just walked away from this and attempted to move on with my life.”

    I don’t wonder at all. I completely ‘get’ that there is no other way for you! Your honesty and strength is beautiful and I appreciate your wanting to keep talking about this – please do it FOREVER if you’re moved to! We (society) need your example and if we use it correctly, we’ll start talking about it too. I intend to start tonight at my dinner table. No better timing than Christmas.

    I’ve lived through a lot of loss. (Like you, at first I wasn’t sure I wanted to.. but..) It’s taught me that moving on is never really about walking away and trying to forget. It’s about standing still for a time, even when we’re afraid, to face what we feel. Honoring all of it. Following where it leads us. Through this, we are transformed by the grace of healing.

    Moving on means journeying at our own pace. We leave behind that which does not serve us but we take along the jewels we’ve discovered inside. You are doing this perfectly, if you ask me!

    Your son’s love transcends all of time and space. Through it, call him to you and allow him to be of some comfort to you on this day. Much Love, K.

  5. Hera, I read about your son a few weeks ago and found myself thinking of you today. I’m so sorry for all that you have gone through and especially for the loss of your precious Prince. My ex puts me and my children through hell on a regular basis but they are finally teens and getting closer to having the right to refuse to see him. Knowing such a person, I have to ask, have the medical examiners thoroughly screened Prince’s body for poisoning especially from organophosphate pesticides such as malathion? It seems more than coincidence that Prince’s health problems coincided with the start of the unsupervised visitation. Malathion is easy to obtain at the drug store (lice treatments) and can cause seizures, fevers, and death. I don’t believe that it is tested for in typical toxicology screens. I know this doesn’t help your loss but I do think answers will give you some sense of peace.

  6. That made me cry. I am soooooooo sorry. I can’t even begin to imagine your pain. You did what you could to protect your son. I don’t know if you’ve gone through the guilt stage of grief yet, but remember that when you do. And never let anyone tell you you’re taking too long to grieve. I sincerely wish I could take your pain away and bring your son back. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I’m sending you hugs through this post. XOXOXO

  7. Hera, I to have suffered loss, not the loss of a child but plenty of loss with parents, sister, and loves ones. You are doing exactly what you are to be doing. Not one person can tell you how or the way that you should be acting, feeling. Everyone handles grief in their own way. In time it won’t hurt as bad as it does at this moment. You will be able to think of Prince and not have all of the bad come along with it. The wonderful memories will eventually out weigh the horrible things that have been done by so many people. You will never forget the bad, but will eventually be able to see that the precious time that you were able to share with Prince will always out weigh the bad. Your story is such a sad one, and I pray that you will eventually find peace , That you will receive justice from the people that hurt you and didn’t protect Prince. I think of you daily and always pray that you are getting stronger each and every day. Here is a hug for you each and everyday. You are never alone and always have people around you giving you strength.

  8. I refused to celebrate Christmas this year. It was the first time in 16 years that I didn’t spend Christmas with my daughter because the psychopath in our lives refused to allow it. He is supported by a judge in the Supreme Court who gave him custody when my daughter was 7 years old, soon after I reported her disclosures of being abused by the psycho.
    I told her during the one phone call we are permitted per week, that we will celebrate Christmas when she comes home. And, she will come home because I will not rest until this psychopath is exposed and my daughter is free. They say that modern-day slavery is a billion dollar business. Well, terror, tyranny and slavery are the norm when you are forced to live with a psychopath.
    Thank you Hera, for your strength, your wisdom and your shining light. May God continue to Bless you, shield you and guide you.
    Blessings, Lee Strong

    • cappuccinoqueen says:

      I’m sorry you didn’t get to celebrate with your daughter this year Lee. I am glad, however, that you plan to celebrate when she comes home. Christmas is really just a day and what is important is to share any day with your child and make it special. Psychopaths cause nothing but destruction where ever they go. They are truly like runaway trains maiming and killing anyone or anything that stands in their way (or is forced into their sites). You are doing the right thing by continuing to fight and stay strong for you daughter. It is a marathon in Family Court and you have to Hold Fast and stick to what you know is right. God Bless.

  9. I just want to thank you for your courage in spite of it all. I think if I were you I would be drinking myself into a coma and be too terrified to speak. I was married to a pyschopath (actually technically I still am). My child made disclosures about his abuse, everyone listened to her – psychologists, social workers, lawyers etc until it came to court. He said I had victimised him and court professionals clearly felt sad for him. After years of her being safe without unsupervised contact she doen’t understand why she has to now be there overnight and sometimes for multiple nights on holidays. She tells me she is scared. I tell her I understand. She tells me this is bad and shouldn’t happen. I tell her I understand. Her father keeps her for longer than allowed, won’t let her speak to me and tries to thwart plans we make. That is minor but what is significant is we live in fear of what he can do and may do. He has beaten and abused his family and his daughter stood up to him. How safe can she ever be? He has warned me many times about how accidents happen. Thank you Hera for your inspiration. Everything you have outlined is my worst nightmare. Your courage astounds me. Your generosity in sharing your story has saved me from going mad right now :( .

    • cappuccinoqueen says:

      Thank you for sharing your story Loz. You are stronger than you realize. Stay strong for your daughter. She will need you in this war.

  10. “I thank God for the burning rage I have inside of me” is such a profound statement when you have been a victim of abuse. For me, the anger was what finally made me leave, kept me going, and kept me fighting, and like you, I believe it came from God, and if we are supposed to be like Him, we will get angry with injustice just like He does, and we will be forced to finally do something about it.

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