Are You A Deadbeat Enabler?

In last week’s post, I discussed maternal instincts and how this very instinct can work to psychologically torture a woman in Family Court.  This week, I want to take you back to basic relationship dynamics before a woman finds herself in the nightmare of Family Court.   While many women are fortunate enough to never end up in Family Court, that doesn’t mean they have escaped the torturous experience of being with a deadbeat man.  For every deadbeat man, there is a deadbeat enabler.  Possibly one of the harshest realities I had to face in my journey of recovery was the fact that, for a time, I was a deadbeat enabler.

Let me begin by defining what I mean by a deadbeat.  Deadbeats come in all races, ages, socio-economic statuses, and even genders.  For this post, however, I am going to focus on deadbeat men (because, frankly, I am a woman and can only speak from the perspective of a woman who was a deadbeat man enabler).   I recognize that there are tons of wonderful men out there who are amazing sons, husbands, ex-husbands, fathers, and friends.  This week I am not talking about them – those men don’t fall into any of the below categories.

Deadbeat Dad:  This is the type of deadbeat that society usually associates with the word deadbeat.  You might see versions of this man on popular daytime talk shows denying that the child is theirs (even though the baby looks just like them), and calling the mother of their child all sorts of terrible names.  Other forms of deadbeats are those who walk away from their children, abuse their children, or refuse to financially, physically, or emotionally support their children.  If you know a man who is paying an attorney thousands of dollars in an attempt to evade providing financial support to their child, then you know a deadbeat.  While sometimes it’s easier to spot a deadbeat once they have children, I assure you that this deadbeat Dad was a deadbeat even before he became a father.

The Financial Leech:  This common type of deadbeat could be your son, husband, brother, boyfriend, or father.  While it is reasonable that hard working people sometimes find themselves in unfortunate financial circumstances, this man would like you to believe that he is always down and out with his financial luck.  He will talk about how hard it is to find a job, but spend his entire day playing video games, watching television, or sleeping.  He is perfectly happy watching his mother, girlfriend, baby Mama, or wife support him financially…forever.  When his financial support system (the enabler) questions his apparent lack of desire to financially support himself, he immediately attempts to make this person feel insensitive and mean.  A good man would never feel comfortable doing this to a woman.

The Abuser:  We often associate deadbeats with the financially irresponsible, however, the abusing deadbeat is possibly one of the most dangerous types.  This person might be completely financially responsible, yet I would still consider him a deadbeat.  This is the man who treats women poorly by either emotionally or physically abusing them.  A man who treats his mother, ex-wife, baby Mama, or any important woman in his life poorly is a deadbeat.  He could be as wealthy as Donald Trump and buy you Prada shoes and a nice house, but if he beats you up or abuses your children – he is still a deadbeat.  Before you have a child with a man, pay close attention to how he treats the women in his life.  (Unfortunately, Luc’s mother had already died from suffocation before I met him so I was unable to enact this particular test)  Even if you think his mother is weird and annoying, if he doesn’t treat her well – there is something wrong and you could be looking at your future relationship with him.

 

My ex (Lucifer as I call him) had a little bit of all three of the above deadbeat qualities, and unfortunately, I was once his enabler.  Anyone who has known me for long enough would never imagine me to be the type of woman to be a deadbeat enabler; however, I now realize that I was one myself.  Initially in the relationship, I was a strong woman who asked questions and demanded reasonable answers – and initially he had those answers.

Over time, as I grew to love the imaginary man he had created through his insidious lies, the reality began to show its ugly face.  When I would question why Luc wasn’t getting out of bed, and why he was no longer contributing to the household financially, he would claim that he was depressed.  He even once claimed that he had suffered a mild stroke due to the extreme financial and emotional stress he was under.  This is when my basic female instincts turned on me.  I would see him looking pale, sick, and hideous (most likely because he wasn’t showering or leaving the house), and I would immediately want to protect and take care of him.

It is natural as a woman to want to protect and care for those you love; however, you must be able to recognize the difference between someone who deserves to be loved and someone who is using your instincts against you while literally sucking the life out of you.  I, too, have been in a position where I was scared to leave the deadbeat.  I worried that things would be worse for me if I walked away from the father of my child.  I wondered if I was being unreasonable or whether my expectations were too high.  While the deadbeat in my life was an extreme case (as he is now awaiting trial for the murder of my son), many of the things I made excuses for and ignored are the same things many women continue to ignore every day.

 

Help for the deadbeat enabler:

One of my readers recently asked me what she should do to help her friend realize that she is enabling a deadbeat.  My answer is simple:  You can lead a horse to the water, but you cannot force it to take a drink.  Friends and family should tread carefully when raising these issues with deadbeat enablers.  The last thing you want is for the deadbeat to catch wind that you are raising these issues and effectively terminate your relationship with the enabler.  The best thing you can do for this person is point out the obvious in a non-aggressive manner, and let them know that you will be there to support them if and when they choose to free themselves from this situation.  While it can be maddening to watch someone you love get used and abused by a deadbeat, there is often not much you can do if the person is unwilling to accept the painful reality. 

Finally, to all of the strong women out there who realize that they are in the vicious cycle of deadbeat enabling – you deserve to be treated better than what you are currently accepting.  Deadbeats will always exist, but it is your choice as to whether or not you will allow them to exist in your life.

Comments

  1. ginger says:

    i see this all the time the person im talking about is in no way a romantic partner its a brother who destroyed well almost his ex and their children i wanted to help her get rehabilitated and from this experience i learned how the legal system enables the abuser and looks down on the woman which is what they did to her she became hopeless i cant believe im related to this s—bag and he has no remorse i still talk to my sister in law and shes doing much better so are the kids a lot of damage has been done and they will always have the scars PTSD , but im not done i am making this public at this time i have a ghost writer who is putting all of this together the book was not my idea it came from a nun who talked to me almost daily , her words were i was chosen to stand up and make the officials aware of the system and enabling i have seen my nun tells me this will bring change she informed me that i was chosen by god b/c im not a person to push around and would see this through and after 3 years i guess she is right because i refuse to let this be swept under the rug i have documented every day names fax’s etc from all the gov agencies i contacted who promise to provide services and of course do less than nothing even lawyers ran scared and this is my motivation to being change and change the laws.gov cuomo has signed new laws bills and for some reason they are not being followed but this will change and bring great fortune according to my nun and i plan to use some of the money to provide legal services for the victims it goes on and on a lot has happened in the 3 years passed, this is not a love interest this is more about civil rights and freedom and the laws being so easily manipulated by fat greedy lawyers who could care less as long as there are criminals they continue to fill their pockets not only do i plan to aid victims i want these slime-bag lawyers held accountable if / when there clients repeat the abuse after a case is closed…they will also feel the damages..maybe they will think twice before twisting the laws to let slime-bags continue to abuse threaten and injure victims..i cant wait to see this..this is not justice letting them off the hook…could you imagine if any of the attorneys judges etc were ever attacked by these offenders the same way they do to significant others That would be a crime no questions asked…but when it happens in a relationship its not a crime that’s bull s— .my brother has many many victims and there lives so badly impacted by this they will never have the quality of life they deserve. my goal is to also take that away from the defendant usually a coward with no inner strength that’s why they use violence,stalking to control and instill fear b/c they cant handle reality and want what they want without doing the right thing to get it also called insanity they keep telling me justice is slow and understatement it is ineffective leaving you out there on your own living in fear until you become a statistic than they put on act but its too late..a burnt out judicial system , a psychopath, and a greedy lawyer and lazy cops,as taxpayers why cant we fire them its our money b/c they are just as bad as the defendants ” do sent apply to them” i see more cops abuse their wives cheat and alcoholically drink and drive but there out there giving out dwi’s falsely because they get time off with pay for every DWI even lieing paperwork gets lost they cover up everything and internal affairs part of the cover up i wrote to the commissioner of police and let him know what low life’s he has given badges to not all but most…in the past i used to donate to the police athletic league and other fundraisers today i wouldn’t spit on them if they were on fire…arrogant fu–’s this is suffolk county cops and like i said not all but too many.i see signs all over to report a cop killer and rewards i dont think id say anything if i knew probably deserved it like they say about us

  2. Noeleen says:

    Awesome, excellent post. I have realised so much after the fact – all after the fact. I was so dumb, blind, stupid. I endured, endured, endured, to the detriment of my son and self.

    You are wonderful in that you aren’t bitter and horrible, but rather wise. I wish to know what is of Lucifer now? Is he in jail. Only answer if you want to.

    Wonderful blog here.

    • cappuccinoqueen says:

      Lucifer is currently in jail in Prince William County, VA awaiting a trial for capital murder charges. Please don’t think you are dumb for having been an enabler. There are many strong, smart, and beautiful women who fall into this trap. It is in human nature to want to care for others. What makes you smart is that you now realize it. Stay strong Mama!

  3. Rebecca says:

    hey- so, as a former deadbeat enabler- I have a question for you: do you think there is hope that other enablers will ever see the light about the man they are dating? Currently, my daughter’s father is now engaged to this girl who is a HUGE enabler. My daughter’s father has never been a part of my daughter’s life by HIS choice- not mine. He refuses to pay his court-ordered child support and whenever they “find” him and start garnishing wages- he quits his job and moves somewhere where he hopes he will not be found. He had been like that for the past ten years. He basically has had his mom support him his whole life, and “in between” girlfriends who support him when he is not living at home. His current fiancee of 2 years has been with him and has seen this in action- and yet she still continues to support him and pay for his bills. Every piece of me wants to have a real “heart to heart” with this girl, but ultimately, I know it is none of my business. She knows that we have a daughter together as they frequently move back into his parent’s house whenever he is “in between jobs” and my daughter/his mother’s only grand-baby is plastered all over her house. It just infuriates me that he is allowed to spend his life “care-free” because he keeps finding women who will support him and his habits – and who work so he doesn’t have to and won’t “get caught” by the child support agencies for not paying.

    • cappuccinoqueen says:

      Rebecca this is a tough one. Sometimes the enablers don’t really know who they are enabling. I often wish that someone had told me who my ex really was – the neighbors who were afraid of him, the police who believed he was a serial killer, or really everyone around him who knew he was a fraud. That said, if someone had told me – things would have gotten dangerous for them. I might have questioned Luc about it and he would then try and attack the person who warned me. And don’t worry…he won’t live care free forever. They all end up in their own version of hell when all of their crap catches up with them.

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