Are You A Deadbeat Enabler?

In last week’s post, I discussed maternal instincts and how this very instinct can work to psychologically torture a woman in Family Court.  This week, I want to take you back to basic relationship dynamics before a woman finds herself in the nightmare of Family Court.   While many women are fortunate enough to never end up in Family Court, that doesn’t mean they have escaped the torturous experience of being with a deadbeat man.  For every deadbeat man, there is a deadbeat enabler.  Possibly one of the harshest realities I had to face in my journey of recovery was the fact that, for a time, I was a deadbeat enabler.

Let me begin by defining what I mean by a deadbeat.  Deadbeats come in all races, ages, socio-economic statuses, and even genders.  For this post, however, I am going to focus on deadbeat men (because, frankly, I am a woman and can only speak from the perspective of a woman who was a deadbeat man enabler).   I recognize that there are tons of wonderful men out there who are amazing sons, husbands, ex-husbands, fathers, and friends.  This week I am not talking about them – those men don’t fall into any of the below categories.

Deadbeat Dad:  This is the type of deadbeat that society usually associates with the word deadbeat.  You might see versions of this man on popular daytime talk shows denying that the child is theirs (even though the baby looks just like them), and calling the mother of their child all sorts of terrible names.  Other forms of deadbeats are those who walk away from their children, abuse their children, or refuse to financially, physically, or emotionally support their children.  If you know a man who is paying an attorney thousands of dollars in an attempt to evade providing financial support to their child, then you know a deadbeat.  While sometimes it’s easier to spot a deadbeat once they have children, I assure you that this deadbeat Dad was a deadbeat even before he became a father.

The Financial Leech:  This common type of deadbeat could be your son, husband, brother, boyfriend, or father.  While it is reasonable that hard working people sometimes find themselves in unfortunate financial circumstances, this man would like you to believe that he is always down and out with his financial luck.  He will talk about how hard it is to find a job, but spend his entire day playing video games, watching television, or sleeping.  He is perfectly happy watching his mother, girlfriend, baby Mama, or wife support him financially…forever.  When his financial support system (the enabler) questions his apparent lack of desire to financially support himself, he immediately attempts to make this person feel insensitive and mean.  A good man would never feel comfortable doing this to a woman.

The Abuser:  We often associate deadbeats with the financially irresponsible, however, the abusing deadbeat is possibly one of the most dangerous types.  This person might be completely financially responsible, yet I would still consider him a deadbeat.  This is the man who treats women poorly by either emotionally or physically abusing them.  A man who treats his mother, ex-wife, baby Mama, or any important woman in his life poorly is a deadbeat.  He could be as wealthy as Donald Trump and buy you Prada shoes and a nice house, but if he beats you up or abuses your children – he is still a deadbeat.  Before you have a child with a man, pay close attention to how he treats the women in his life.  (Unfortunately, Luc’s mother had already died from suffocation before I met him so I was unable to enact this particular test)  Even if you think his mother is weird and annoying, if he doesn’t treat her well – there is something wrong and you could be looking at your future relationship with him.

 

My ex (Lucifer as I call him) had a little bit of all three of the above deadbeat qualities, and unfortunately, I was once his enabler.  Anyone who has known me for long enough would never imagine me to be the type of woman to be a deadbeat enabler; however, I now realize that I was one myself.  Initially in the relationship, I was a strong woman who asked questions and demanded reasonable answers – and initially he had those answers.

Over time, as I grew to love the imaginary man he had created through his insidious lies, the reality began to show its ugly face.  When I would question why Luc wasn’t getting out of bed, and why he was no longer contributing to the household financially, he would claim that he was depressed.  He even once claimed that he had suffered a mild stroke due to the extreme financial and emotional stress he was under.  This is when my basic female instincts turned on me.  I would see him looking pale, sick, and hideous (most likely because he wasn’t showering or leaving the house), and I would immediately want to protect and take care of him.

It is natural as a woman to want to protect and care for those you love; however, you must be able to recognize the difference between someone who deserves to be loved and someone who is using your instincts against you while literally sucking the life out of you.  I, too, have been in a position where I was scared to leave the deadbeat.  I worried that things would be worse for me if I walked away from the father of my child.  I wondered if I was being unreasonable or whether my expectations were too high.  While the deadbeat in my life was an extreme case (as he is now awaiting trial for the murder of my son), many of the things I made excuses for and ignored are the same things many women continue to ignore every day.

 

Help for the deadbeat enabler:

One of my readers recently asked me what she should do to help her friend realize that she is enabling a deadbeat.  My answer is simple:  You can lead a horse to the water, but you cannot force it to take a drink.  Friends and family should tread carefully when raising these issues with deadbeat enablers.  The last thing you want is for the deadbeat to catch wind that you are raising these issues and effectively terminate your relationship with the enabler.  The best thing you can do for this person is point out the obvious in a non-aggressive manner, and let them know that you will be there to support them if and when they choose to free themselves from this situation.  While it can be maddening to watch someone you love get used and abused by a deadbeat, there is often not much you can do if the person is unwilling to accept the painful reality. 

Finally, to all of the strong women out there who realize that they are in the vicious cycle of deadbeat enabling – you deserve to be treated better than what you are currently accepting.  Deadbeats will always exist, but it is your choice as to whether or not you will allow them to exist in your life.

Comments

  1. i see this all the time the person im talking about is in no way a romantic partner its a brother who destroyed well almost his ex and their children i wanted to help her get rehabilitated and from this experience i learned how the legal system enables the abuser and looks down on the woman which is what they did to her she became hopeless i cant believe im related to this s—bag and he has no remorse i still talk to my sister in law and shes doing much better so are the kids a lot of damage has been done and they will always have the scars PTSD , but im not done i am making this public at this time i have a ghost writer who is putting all of this together the book was not my idea it came from a nun who talked to me almost daily , her words were i was chosen to stand up and make the officials aware of the system and enabling i have seen my nun tells me this will bring change she informed me that i was chosen by god b/c im not a person to push around and would see this through and after 3 years i guess she is right because i refuse to let this be swept under the rug i have documented every day names fax’s etc from all the gov agencies i contacted who promise to provide services and of course do less than nothing even lawyers ran scared and this is my motivation to being change and change the laws.gov cuomo has signed new laws bills and for some reason they are not being followed but this will change and bring great fortune according to my nun and i plan to use some of the money to provide legal services for the victims it goes on and on a lot has happened in the 3 years passed, this is not a love interest this is more about civil rights and freedom and the laws being so easily manipulated by fat greedy lawyers who could care less as long as there are criminals they continue to fill their pockets not only do i plan to aid victims i want these slime-bag lawyers held accountable if / when there clients repeat the abuse after a case is closed…they will also feel the damages..maybe they will think twice before twisting the laws to let slime-bags continue to abuse threaten and injure victims..i cant wait to see this..this is not justice letting them off the hook…could you imagine if any of the attorneys judges etc were ever attacked by these offenders the same way they do to significant others That would be a crime no questions asked…but when it happens in a relationship its not a crime that’s bull s— .my brother has many many victims and there lives so badly impacted by this they will never have the quality of life they deserve. my goal is to also take that away from the defendant usually a coward with no inner strength that’s why they use violence,stalking to control and instill fear b/c they cant handle reality and want what they want without doing the right thing to get it also called insanity they keep telling me justice is slow and understatement it is ineffective leaving you out there on your own living in fear until you become a statistic than they put on act but its too late..a burnt out judicial system , a psychopath, and a greedy lawyer and lazy cops,as taxpayers why cant we fire them its our money b/c they are just as bad as the defendants ” do sent apply to them” i see more cops abuse their wives cheat and alcoholically drink and drive but there out there giving out dwi’s falsely because they get time off with pay for every DWI even lieing paperwork gets lost they cover up everything and internal affairs part of the cover up i wrote to the commissioner of police and let him know what low life’s he has given badges to not all but most…in the past i used to donate to the police athletic league and other fundraisers today i wouldn’t spit on them if they were on fire…arrogant fu–’s this is suffolk county cops and like i said not all but too many.i see signs all over to report a cop killer and rewards i dont think id say anything if i knew probably deserved it like they say about us

    • Monica Berlin says:

      Ginger you are absolutely right I’m in the same situation. I have supervised visits of my son and the psychopath has full custody. I go to court in 5 weeks and I’m praying it turns out ok :) I went to see a psychic and she told me my son was not being treated right there.

  2. Awesome, excellent post. I have realised so much after the fact – all after the fact. I was so dumb, blind, stupid. I endured, endured, endured, to the detriment of my son and self.

    You are wonderful in that you aren’t bitter and horrible, but rather wise. I wish to know what is of Lucifer now? Is he in jail. Only answer if you want to.

    Wonderful blog here.

    • cappuccinoqueen says:

      Lucifer is currently in jail in Prince William County, VA awaiting a trial for capital murder charges. Please don’t think you are dumb for having been an enabler. There are many strong, smart, and beautiful women who fall into this trap. It is in human nature to want to care for others. What makes you smart is that you now realize it. Stay strong Mama!

  3. Rebecca says:

    hey- so, as a former deadbeat enabler- I have a question for you: do you think there is hope that other enablers will ever see the light about the man they are dating? Currently, my daughter’s father is now engaged to this girl who is a HUGE enabler. My daughter’s father has never been a part of my daughter’s life by HIS choice- not mine. He refuses to pay his court-ordered child support and whenever they “find” him and start garnishing wages- he quits his job and moves somewhere where he hopes he will not be found. He had been like that for the past ten years. He basically has had his mom support him his whole life, and “in between” girlfriends who support him when he is not living at home. His current fiancee of 2 years has been with him and has seen this in action- and yet she still continues to support him and pay for his bills. Every piece of me wants to have a real “heart to heart” with this girl, but ultimately, I know it is none of my business. She knows that we have a daughter together as they frequently move back into his parent’s house whenever he is “in between jobs” and my daughter/his mother’s only grand-baby is plastered all over her house. It just infuriates me that he is allowed to spend his life “care-free” because he keeps finding women who will support him and his habits – and who work so he doesn’t have to and won’t “get caught” by the child support agencies for not paying.

    • cappuccinoqueen says:

      Rebecca this is a tough one. Sometimes the enablers don’t really know who they are enabling. I often wish that someone had told me who my ex really was – the neighbors who were afraid of him, the police who believed he was a serial killer, or really everyone around him who knew he was a fraud. That said, if someone had told me – things would have gotten dangerous for them. I might have questioned Luc about it and he would then try and attack the person who warned me. And don’t worry…he won’t live care free forever. They all end up in their own version of hell when all of their crap catches up with them.

  4. I know this is really late for the subject but I have a husband who is 32 yrs old and I’m 25 we have our daughter and my son from a previous bad relationship that I got out of but I still deal with his father every other weekend. But that’s a whole different story. I believe I’m enabling my husband, just like you said he plays video games all day and night then I deal with our 2 week old daughter all the time. I’m stressed , unhappy and becoming financially unstable. When I bring up our bills he says (oh we can just borrow it from my mom) I say No. I’m not downing his effort or help but I want him to get a job, I’m not trying to push him because I’ve already done everything you can possibly imagine and all it leads to is an argument. He says after the baby is born all the time now she is here and still nothing. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel that I’m failing my kids and not setting the correct example especially for my oldest

    • cappuccinoqueen says:

      Monea, sometimes people like that need for you to leave in order to light a fire under their ass. It sounds like he is sitting around playing video games because he knows that you will continue to financially support him. My suggestion is to follow your gut. If you believe that staying is bad for your children, then you should follow how you feel and get to stepping.

  5. purelove33 says:

    I am guilty of enabling my deadbeat boyfriend. I have been supporting him for 2 of the 3 years that we have been together. This man will not work to save his life, has 3 baby mamas and cant support his youngest child who is a minor (the other 2 kids are now grown who by the way he owes tens of thousands of dollars in child support to the mothers). He makes excuses for EVERYTHING and blames EVERYONE else for EVERYTHING thats not right in his life. In the beginning of the relationship, I always pitied him and believed him when he said he family treated him wrongfully when they didn’t want to give him money but now I see that they are sick of the irresponsible ways of a grown man. Everytime I give him advice on how to improve his situation, he becomes so offended and angry and says that I am belittling him. He just REFUSES to become a better person. As far a a job, he do just the bare minimum. He is satisfied with making minimum wage and will find any reason to stop working. This man plays video games ALL day (and night, when he’s not watching tv). So unproductive, its the saddest thing I’ve ever seen. I want him to change but I realize that it will not happen. Unfortunately, he is stuck in a rut that he has been in for many, many years. He is used to being this way and most comfortable with it too. I know I need to sever the tie between us but I “love” him. I know it sounds cheesy but I feel like I want to be the person to help/save him. He always tells me that he needs me and im all that he has left. That sucks me right back in every time. After being unemployed for almost a year (lost my job last year), I am blessed to have just regained employment at a great job with great pay. I know that eventually, he will stop working again and try to live off my money again. The trouble is, I have a hard time telling him “no”. It’s like his wish is my command and should I tell him Im not giving him money, he makes me feel like a terrible person, like I don’t care about him. The guilt trip is too heavy to bare. It has got to stop soon, I know that I am the reason that this nasty cycle continues. Thankfully, we don’t have any children together because I know that would make everything 10 times worse. What I would like to know is how can I wean him off of me financially for good without necessarily ending the relationship altogether? Or will that be my only option. Im tired of being with a man who is 45 with the mental capacity of that of a 13 year old boy. Lazy, irresponsible, ALWAYS plays the victim role. Its just unbearable.

    • WoW I felt like you were just describing my life!! I can relate on every single level and Im having such a hard time cuz I love this guy but I feel like he’s holding back or holding me down. He can never keep a job more then 2 weeks. And hes never taken me on a date its pretty clear what I think I need to do Im just such a sucker and I’ve always been a very independent person but since this relationship I am so afraid to be alone! Im scared I’ll be miserable without his company. I’ve tried to help push him to do the things he needs to do, I do the laundry, and though we have no kids Im on disability and Im broke half opf the month never have I gotten financial help from him. Im fed up and my lid is blowin I have tried to make him leave before but I get the big guilt trip of he has no place to go… I dont wanna put him on the streets then he lied to me twice and threatened me by telling me he was commiting suicide. And I ALWAYS fall for the bullshit! I must be the STUPIDEST grl in the world right??

    • Purelove, why would you want to date such a loser? Sever the relationship now before you accidentally have children with this man.

    • godhasearthangels says:

      I”m almost 35 years old. I always tried to help others. I just realized last year that you CANNOT change anyone…the person has to want to change. I’ve been married to a psychopath for 15 years and just realized it last month. There are many aspects to my story. My brother is the one that made me realize that a person has to want to change. He was a drug addict with his use starting at the age of 9 due to abuse…to block out what was happening….and just continued until he was 36. He’d been in prison multiple times for all drug related offenses, homeless by choice for over a decade, multiple suicide attempts…well God had a reason for him surviving. He is a good person and was honest with me. The only time in his life he ever said he wanted to change was last April when he called and said he didn’t want to live like that anymore and wanted to change. After telling him that my kids come first and the rules, and when he accepted, he came to live with us and I couldn’t be more proud! Miracles can and do happen, and I firmly believe everything happens for a reason even though it may take awhile to realize that reason. I’m happy to say that he’s been clean for almost a year…cold turkey…not gotten into trouble, got a full time job, his own place, and his own car. He’s very appreciative and grateful for what he has. I believe in using the negatives in our lives to improve our lives and to try and help others from our experiences.
      Well, because of childhood abuse, I believe that’s why I was sucked into a 15 year marriage with a psychopath, that and I was only 19 when I met him and we married 3 months later…he kind of really pressured me into it. I am in the beginning stages of divorce with it just now being filed this week…he’s been saying he’s going to file but he’s playing games. I’m not going to let him drag me down anymore and not let him intimidate me because that is what he wants. I finally started standing up for myself and that’s what he didn’t like. I was tired of him treating me and everyone else, to include our kids, like worthless pieces of garbage. He endangered our safety countless times with no apologies and always somehow made me feel like I had done something wrong or it was my fault somehow. He doesn’t know what love is or how to treat others. Everything is always about him. I always made excuses for him thinking that someday my good heart and positive outlook would rub off on him. After researching psychopaths though recently, I don’t think there’s much hope for him to even admit he has a problem, let alone get help for it. He has every single characteristic which is scary now that I know more about it. Nobody is really taking me seriously except the women’s shelter that I called which confirmed that I am validated in my fears. I know he’s going to end up hurting someone eventually, I just don’t know when or who.

  6. I came across this website by divine intervention I suppose.

    My girlfriend of 2 years has a brother that has been living with her for the last 6 years. He has not had a job for the last 10 years but gets to stay with her rent free without contributing to any of the household chores. He sleeps in his room all day with his radio blasting and only comes out to eat and go to the bathroom.

    I am more than a bit frustrated. He says he is depressed and has been avidly trying to find a job. As of late he has been yelling at my girlfriend and giving her attitude if she asks him to do any mundane tasks around the house.

    I guess as the article recommends I should just offer her my support. I just wish there was more that I could do.

    I love this girl and want to propose but will not do so until he is gone from the house.

    thanks for letting me rant. I hope everything works out for the rest of you.

    • cappuccinoqueen says:

      Matt, it sounds like she is most certainly enabling a deadbeat. It is a shame, but really all you can do is offer your support and try to show her she is being used.

  7. Hector Guerrero says:

    I am a 64 years old man, and couldn’t agree with you more. My only daughter married a decorated marine (purple heart),and a deadbeat. They are separated, he is in California and she is in Florida with us. They have two kids. Since the separation, he has yet to send any money. two reasons: My daughter is staying with us and we are providing for her and her daughters. Second, he cannot work because the injuries he sustained in Iraq.PTSD, Depression, the works. Although I understand that part of his life ( i was in Vietnam ), he is 100% disable, and receiving a hefty pension. Now , my daughter doesn’t want to do anything about it because he told her that she needed to get a job or she could loose her kids to Family Services, and because they were still married the kids would go to him. It is my understanding that none of these excuses are true. The problem is that my daughter believes him, and I cannot get her to force him to cease this mental abuse, and refuse to go to Family Services for help.The situation gets worse, because I live in a 55 + community, where children 15 and below are not accepted (the babies are 3 and 2 years old). They need an apartment ,
    I asked her to contact her husband and asked him to provide the money for the apartment,but she refuses. I am going to stop here, because the more I write the madder I get.

  8. My story is the opposite, my fiancé I believe is a huge deadbeat enabler. Yet he feels like I don’t know what I’m talking about and he hates the terms I use when I talk about it. His ex wife and him have joint custody and he pays her child support. She can’t keep a job and never has any money to pay for kids activities so my fiancé is left to do it, which puts a burden on our pocket book considering he pays child support as well. We are looking at getting married and combining our bank accounts. What he doesn’t understand by him constantly doing what he does will have affect on me as this will also be my money as well. She is a total deadbeat and her new father in law stated that he doesn’t understand why my fiancé doesn’t fight for full custody. Yes her own new father in law said this. Just to give you an idea of how she works, she won’t or is to lazy to take kids to their ball practice, she barely makes it to their games. She is currently jobless and expecting another child she has 3 with my fiancé and 1 with her new husband. My fiancé and I have documented everything so far in the past 3 yrs but the problem is there is nothing to document because he constantly does things like pay for everything when the agreement is 50/50 and he doesn’t understand what he is doing. I get it he is doing it for his kids and not her but he needs to let her fail because of our justice system but we have no hard evidence to give the courts because that is what needs to happen for the courts to find her unfit. I’m so stressed over this and he doesn’t see what it’s doing to me nor does he care how it makes me feel.

    • cappuccinoqueen says:

      Sara, yep…there are deadbeat women as well.

    • Sara tell him he is not doing his children any favors please look at my story and understand that it will not get any better. I am financially in the toilet while this women is enjoying life. Your absolutely right he has to let her fail not only for the court but the children have to see the truth as well. If he consistently pick up the pieces she will use him till their is nothing left.

      • Sara, why would you marry this man and get yourself involved in his ridiculous drama? I would never date, nevermind marry, a woman who had such drama in her life with her child and her ex. Hold yourself to a higher standard, don’t you deserve better?

        • I agree with Bob. Why does he not stand up for himself, and you? Is he hiding something?
          I don’t know everything about the situation, but could it be that he almost WANTS to support her, and make others feel sorry for him?

          If he feels emotional strings to this woman, he’s going to have to choose, between his old life, and a life with you. I am in no way insinuating that he still loves her. The only reason I would think he would not take his child and push his ex out of his life, is because he wants his child to see their mother, or he doesn’t want to upset his former family. Either way, you have to knock some sense into that man of yours.

          I would also hold off on combining bank accounts. If your fiance does that much damage to his account, just wait until he gets a hold of yours. What scares me the most is exactly what you said. He doesn’t care how it makes you feel.

          Think about it.

  9. I am a reluctant deadbeat enabler. I have been married almost 20+ years and throughout this marriage I have done what every good father and good husband would do. Early on in the marriage I would often encourage my wife to go get a trade go to school do something. I would tell her often that the children are getting older and more expensive and it will become a time I would really need your support. She would throw this back at me that I want a educated women or I didn’t think she was good enough for me. So I would back off for a while. Throughout our marriage she has probably worked maybe 3 years if that with it always ending up her quitting. I have never been able to relay on her financially or to be there for me mentally when I was under the gun. What make my situation so bad is that I can not seem to get this women out of my home. I personally don’t think it’s fair that I work I take care of everything the grocery shopping the laundry I work out side of the house and come home to Peg Bundy. She is out parting to 3-4 in the morning 3 times out of the week and basically lives the single life. Know this leaves me to pay the bills cook, clean, and try to financially support my oldest in college. I am exhausted I am lonely and I feel used but there is nothing I can do. If the roles were reverse I would be out on my ear with my clothes in the back yard on fire. But I am a man I can’t do this it’s not socially acceptable. I call the police they want me to leave despite the fact that I don’t drink and she is usually the drunk belligerent one. She consistently throws my children into the situation trying to get them on her side and for a while it worked but now both my children can clearly see the issues and they do tell me they understand and are not mad at me when I lose my cool. I just want to move forward with my life my credit is in the toilet my financial situation is bleak at this point with my children now being teenagers they are a lot more expensive my son is bigger then me meaning I paying more for his clothes and shoes then my own, and my daughter is now in college and needs money and support until she can find work. So I am 2 months behind in rent I have a red notice for my lights my gas is off. I have no one to turn to for help I can barely get back and forward to work due to trying to keep gas in the car. I can’t get the children the essentials like clothes for school or supplies I just can’t afford it. And forget a personal life I can’t afford to go out with friends so I am stuck in the house rationing my gas for the next two weeks till I get paid again. I am manager I worked hard my entire career to get to this point and I can’t enjoy it. Because I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. I’m tired how do I get this deadbeat ass women out my house out of my life?

    • cappuccinoqueen says:

      Oliver,
      Sadly there are many people who are likely in your situation. Possibly even scarier is that if you leave her, you would likely end up paying alimony and child support to her…which would essentially just be a shift in making the State her deadbeat enabler. I am not sure I have great advise here, but you might want to talk to an attorney to see if there is a way you can disengage without making your situation worse. Many terrible situations in relationship are the result of a financial leech. Know that you are not alone. Many men and women deal with JUST the things you are experiencing. Get some legal advice. Sometimes there are free legal clinics on these issues as well that you might look into given your financial situation. Send me an email if you want some more specific tips based on your area.

      • I already talked to an attorney actually today, and your right I will most likely have to deal with spousal support and lose my apartment because it’s our marital home and she has as much right as I do there. What makes things good is my son is not happy with the behavior either and after talking with him he wants to leave with me. So I will get myself and apartment and allow my son to move with me. The unfortunate part is I will most likely get an eviction because she won’t leave and I am sure when I leave she will remain until she is forcible moved out which in turn will cause me to have an eviction.

  10. deborah herndon says:

    It took me 4years, thousands of dollars, physical and emotional abuse to finally get it through my thick head that my now ex husband was a deadbeat. He never was able to hold a job for long and was usually under or unemployeed the entire time we where together. I found out he owed thousands in child support and thousands in back taxes. He was on sex dating websites asking to hook up and giving out his cell number. Even fell in love with a girl 20 years younger. All the lies he told me. But i am still having a hard time getting over him and it been a year. What is wrong with me?????

    • cappuccinoqueen says:

      There is nothing wrong with you per say. You just want to see the good in people. This doesn’t make you a bad person, it just makes you a good target. Take care of yourself Deborah and stop trying to wait for something that is never going to happen (i.e. him magically turning into a good person).

      • cappuccinoqueen says:

        Jimmy it sounds like you are exactly the type of person I am talking about. Just because you are a man, doesn’t mean that you aren’t a victim of legal abuse. I bet it took a lot for you to stay sane in that insane situation. I am glad you are able to be a father to your children. I am glad that you and your ex are able to work together for the sake of your kids.

      • But there IS something wrong with her, who else is making her poor decisions? The questions she needs to ask herself are: why is she attracted to deadbeats? why does she find herself attracted to deadbeats?

        • cappuccinoqueen says:

          This sounds a bit like victim blame. Sure, there is a problem if a person is attracted to deadbeats constantly…but the blame shouldn’t fall solely on the person being used by the deadbeat.

  11. theraysredroof@aol.com says:

    Do you have any advice for a mother of a deadbeat son who is also a deadbeat dad? I’ve been an enabler and I’m at my wits end.

    • cappuccinoqueen says:

      My best advice here is to just stop enabling him. Try to support and care for your grandchild, but don’t allow your son to leech off of you. If you do, he will never get the kick in the butt he needs to become a man. The risk, of course, is that he just never stops being a deadbeat. That said, you should focus your support and money on the child. Your son is a grown ass man and he needs to step up and grow up.

  12. You’re right that “deadbeats” are as low as it gets and that they are not only men. As a matter of fact, now that most families are dual income and mothers and fathers are splitting child care responsibilities more equally, I’ve personally become aware of more deadbeat women than I have men in my community. I realize that acknowledged the fact that either gender but want to point out how I see more and more women running from the responsibility of taking care of their own children as soon as they realize that having children doesn’t entitle them to being cared for along with them. I like your article and I was an enabler of my ex-wife for WAY to long before I finally realized I was not the bad guy she tried to convince me I was. I now care for our two daughters without ANY help from her in any way. She is now about to give birth to her 2nd child (@ 42 years of age) with a 26 year old while they live in the spare bedroom of his sister’s 3br/1bath home along with her, her husband and their teenage son. As long as someone is willing to enable a deadbeat, they will continue to be a barnacle to society.

    • cappuccinoqueen says:

      Mark, yep seems as though you ran into a deadbeat too. Sadly, you are right…deadbeats are not just limited to men. Any person who doesn’t take care of their children is a deadbeat in my book.

  13. I ran into this site after googling “My girlfriend is a deadbeat”. I absolutely, positively know that there are deadbeat men out there, so with that in context I’d like to vent about my situation. You seem like you can impart some good advice.

    I work from home, and after many years of forming my career I still sometimes struggle with the feeling that I have the skills I have now because long long ago someone helped me when I was young (parents) and at the time, *I* was the deadbeat.
    Fast forward to the present, I’ve had a few relationships under my belt that ended for other reasons. A deadbeat girlfriend up until now was never the case. I met her a year ago. She is much younger than myself and has a daughter. I wanted to believe that she would want to improve upon her life and become responsible, so I committed to moving in with her. She is a good person and has good intent, but probably due to bad parenting or just bad genetics (her parents are deadbeats too) she can’t seem to hold a job or get a car or build her credit, or even pay enough attention to her child. I started to get the feeling that she is perfectly alright with simply sitting around glued to her phone and watching netflix forever while I take care of the bills. She pays for nothing and has virtually no income.

    The problem for us enablers is, or at least for me, the guilt. I had help to get me where I am, and she needs it. I’m feeling like I was unwittingly sucked into this though and I’m bucling under the pressure of being the sole supporter, having to cabby around these two girls all the time while she talks about having more kids and getting married. I’m thinking that things won’t change. Finally the catalyst appeared when I found that she was flirting responsively and sending half naked pictures of herself to some guy. Caught absolutely red-handed and I kicked her out, sent her and her child to her dad’s house. BTW, the “baby daddy” is even more of a deadbeat than my girlfreind.

    I told my her (probably soon to be ex) that I’m having too many meltdowns and I need space, and I need her to get a full time job and transportation to and from work, then I *might* consider letting her back.

    She told me, in response, that she still loves me. I cried. It sucks. Oh well.

    • cappuccinoqueen says:

      Trent, I can appreciate that you are in a REALLY tough spot. After living with someone else’s child, I cannot imagine a scenario in which you wouldn’t become at least somewhat connected to the child. The bottom line here is, however, that there is only so much you can do for that kid…and it sadly isn’t much. You are right – your girlfriend/ex-girlfriend is a deadbeat. She is mooching off of you, and maybe even worse…using her kid to help her mooch.

      Now, bottom line here is that she doesn’t seem to give a damn about you beyond the check you bring in that pays the rent. If she cared about you, and was just lazy (which would still make her a deadbeat), she would at least not be on the prowl to cheat.

      I think you did the right thing to kick her to the curb. If you are really worried about the safety and well being of the kid, call CPS. Sadly, CPS is not always all that competent. At the end of the day, though, you aren’t that kid’s parent and his/her mom could just decide to kick you to the curb and you would have zero rights with regards to that kid anyway.

      By enabling this chic, you aren’t really helping the kid in the long run…and what you are really doing is hurting yourself an any future kid you could have. Don’t stick around and end up getting yourself in a situation where you have a kid with this chic. Then, you will spend a lifetime attached to her for better or worse.

    • This sounds a lot like my own story. The thing is: There is absolutely nothing wrong with investing in a persons “potential”. But potential is a slippery slope and bottom line is that it has to pay off. And if the person is worth investing in they will be successful. Just like you would not continue to make bad financial investments if they don’t turn out to be generating a return, you should not continue to slowly go emotionally broke. Of course much easier said than done. Rather consider making the investment into your own well being. I think that is always worth it.

  14. I have been in a relationship with a woman for 9 years. Her ex has managed to be “poor” on paper and has not paid a cent of child support. Meanwhile, he is supported by his brother, a famous movie star (Seann Willam Scott of American Pie fame). After all of this time, I am MAD!! I watch as my girlfriend and her ex each claim a child and get thousands back in tax return money….yet I pay all of the bills at home and the ex is supported by his brother. I realize I could have left years ago, but I have bonded with the kids and feel trapped. Not looking for advice…just venting. Curious if there other men out there supporting the children of other deadbeat dads.

    • cappuccinoqueen says:

      Rich, I am sure you are not alone. A lot of men step up and care for children who are not their biological children. Hang in there Rich.

  15. cappuccinoqueen says:

    Livid, it sounds like maybe you need to see a lawyer. If you are unhappy in the situation, and/or feel its dangerous…get out.

  16. My brother wrote the BOOK on DEADBEAT losers, lol. I cannot believe that my brother is now almost 44 years of age and still living with my mother, whom by the way has “MENTA”L illness. it has been over 30 years of “HELL” dealing with these people and we have now GIVEN up hope. My brother was allowed to quit school at age: 16 in 1987 and it just got way WORSE from there. He is the most” NEGATIVE, RUDE person that I have ever met and lives 100% off my mother, whom by the way is NOT rich by any means. He lies, cheates and steals to get whatever he wants if the situation arrises. He has RUINED all our relationships between my sister, mom, me and my mom, son in law and grandchildren, “DISGUSTING”. My husband and I got so fed up finally after having our children that we moved 1000kilometres away just to raise our children in some form of” NORMALCY”. I’m so disgusting by my brother some days that I don’t even consider him family.

  17. I know a stupid girl who had a baby with my ex (the deadbeat). He abused her in the same manner as myself (I warned her about him). Once he Left her on the side of the road while pregnant she swore she would leave him. She had given him money to pay me, once $1,500 of which he only gave me $1,000…lol, he cheats her out of money time and time again. She has asked me for help in helping her, crying to me each time. Guess what. ..the idiot is having baby number two with him. A dead beat who owes more than $30,000 in child support, whose license is suspended and who has contempt of court charges pending! Some women like being abused. They have low self esteem and don’t value themselves. She could have gotten away from him! But took him back after spending thousands in court and lawyer fees My child will not know her father and I don’t feel bad about it at all. He can start a new life with his deadbeat girl friend because that’s all she is. Selfish, knowing that you are helping a man avoid his responsibilities so you can have another baby. Nice Christian girl. ..haha what a joke. Hope karma delivers all that can be unleashed on this couple. I should have laughed in her face the first time she cried to me. She can look at this and say I am a bitch, but I think deep down she knows what a loser he is, she’s told me before she’s made mistakes. Oh well, just another leech to the hard working people that will have to pay for her insurance and most likely welfare if he ever decides to run away again. Or if he ever had to do jail time. …awww poor idiots.

  18. Tiffany says:

    I wonder in your experience, is there any instance in which the deadbeat can change with therapy or help? My dh is the financial leech and emotional abuser and I’ve only recently come to realize, but it’s ungodly difficult to get divorced where I live, so I’m curious? Have you ever seen it happen?

    • cappuccinoqueen says:

      It depends – if the person is a sociopath there is no therapy for this. I don’t believe people who are adult emotional abusers can be rehabilitated. I know a lot of people stick around hoping that the person can change, but this is really not likely going to happen.

  19. I think it’s very healthy to ask yourself what was your role in the toxic relationship. My ex was all 3 types as well. I lost my self esteem in that relationship and acted in ways that showed a complete lack of any self respect. But I also recognize I was in an abusive relationship and that essentially is what happens. Abuse is systematic and deliberate. I guess it’s a tough one… were my enabling actions part of the problem, or a result of the abuse. I was I’m love with him when I left and it was hard and for that I’m proud of my strength.

  20. notthisgal says:

    After finally escaping a very abusive “marriage”, I was able to see, that i had enabled him. he felt entitled, to do…say anything and to get away with it, without facing responsibility. Nor, did he think i should ever hold him account, for anything he had done, or would do. He called that loyality, allowing him to do anything…without even acknowledging it at all. When I finally “saw the light”..i also knew, i would have to go no contact with him and his enabling family members. They, like him, always (1)denied(2)made excuses for his behavior(3)blamed others…always! Anyone, who stood up to his wrong doings, was the bad guy, the evil one. He, of course, always played the victim role, in all of his drama, accusations..everything. he was parasitic, who lived off of welfare, the good of others…and manipulation.However, he demanded to be praised, as if he was some kind of great family man.Not once, did i ever know this man to admit to doing anything wrong, bad..or show guilt! he was though, more than willing to tell you all about the issues you had. The nomadic lifestyle, moving from cheap motel..to another cheap crack whore infested motel…all while he wanted to be praised for supporting his family so well, was sickening! He might work a day or two out of the week, then blow all his money, however he saw fit. he never done the right thing, the things real men do. Then, he’d call up his mommy, his biggest enabler and tell her how hard he was working. She’d praise him, give him props…tell him he was doing so good! In reality, had it not been for me and others, who…wanted to help me actually, we would not have had anywhere to go. But, he gave himself all that credit, all of it, it was all his doing. When i became strong minded enough to know, i had to go..get away from him. over come that fear, that he had put in me from 11 yrs of horrible abuse. However, he speeded up my plan, by being entitled again, believing it was ok for a man to rape his wife. he had no idea, how close he came to loosing his life…It was no longer a question of should I stay or should i go….It was, im gone, the first chance i got, to make it happen, i did. My safety was my biggest concern, that and being able to get to a phone, to call police. he told me to go ask the motel clerk for something, instead…i took that opportunity to rid myself of the biggest cockroach, on this planet. I did what i had to do, call the police for security…and get out of there alive! I never looked back, not once! i called a relative, to pick me up and i stayed with them for a while. I was determined, to never allow him back into my life, for anything. He had only caused me pain and suffering, nothing else. My life, was all about trying to not make him go into a rage. My life, with him..was no life. When i left him, it was no such thing on the books as marital rape. However, that didn’t make it any less a rape, by a husband. He tried to contact me, through numerous circles, mail, phone..ppl. i ignored it all. Anyone, who would have tried to encourage me to go back to him, would have got their feelings hurt, i can tell you that gf! So, knowing i would be blamed for the failed ‘marriage”, the smear campaign…and him playing the victim role, i was somewhat prepared. i kinda knew what to expect anyways. after all, his behavior has been studied, recorded…and is known by many. All of his ‘relationships’ were all the same, all ended the same. he went on to continue playing the victim role, anytime something came up that exposed his behavior, who he was. these ppl deserve to all be put on an island together, no visitors at all. Then, they could manipulate and lie, abuse each other.

  21. Hi everyone! I need advice.
    My brother, we’ll call him Buck, is a deadbeat enabler. He’s a really nice guy-too nice to kick his ex girlfriend out of his house! She doesn’t work and hasn’t worked for several months. He works on a farm so he goes to work at 5am until 5pm Monday through Friday and a few hours on the weekend. He finally just broke up with ex girlfriend (we’ll call her Hagatha) a few weeks ago, because he got tired of her emotional/mental/physical abuse.
    Now, I know this is a site to help women, but I can’t find any sites to help men.
    I know it seems easy enough; just tell him to tell her to get out-but it’s not that simple. She’d have to move back in with her mother, of whom she doesn’t get along with very well. She doesn’t want to do that. She has nowhere but her mother’s house to go to.
    My brother is too nice to tell her to get out even though she has no income and therefore spends my brother’s HARD EARNED money, normally blowing pretty much everything he’s got but he’s in the process of changing bank accounts so she can’t just spend all his money.
    Buck isn’t the type of person to just tell her to get out. They’ve had a long 5 years and he still kind of cares about Hagatha. The last time I was there, she was angry at him because he didn’t buy her cigarettes. With his money. He used to go crawling after her, begging for her forgiveness, but no more! Yay Buck!!!
    Yet he won’t or can’t kick her out. Everyone in our family has talked to him about it, we’re all trying to get her out of his life and out of HIS house. We can’t figure out any feasible schemes to get rid of her without either of them knowing, and since she doesn’t work and just stays at his house taking care of 3 kittens, it’s kind of hard to move her out without her knowing. None of us know how to proceed at this point.
    My brother deserves better. He treated her very well, and he deserves someone that’ll take care of him, too, instead of some chick that leaves the house looking like a trash heap while she sits on her butt all day and he’s working 12 hours each day.

  22. pretty depressed! says:

    The saddest part is I had high hopes for mine. He was younger than me, just out of school and got a job- initially- after I got pregnant and we settled down together. He quit it after a year and hasn’t gotten another one, or looked for one, in four years. He’s a videogame addict who is also not involved as a dad. We have two kids together. He doesn’t do anything- smile, play, or buy presents. He doesn’t care. He doesn’t plan. I’m a great mom. I have taken on more roles than I could ever imagine. He doesn’t watch kids for a short period without a major fight, and even then, just plays video games while he is watching them (i.e. they are playing by themselves in the living room). He might feed them or put them to bed if I remind him. That’s it. I had high hopes, and my kids love him, but now he needs to be out of our lives before he starts ruining our sons’ outlook. I think it’s already happening. It’s very confusing for them to have such a deadbeat dad. He is not a mean or angry person (usually- although when his temper is short he’s been known to smack the older one over for jumping on him or interrupting a video game.) Actually he’s a nice, calm person. He seems sane. That is why it’s all the more aggravating that he is totally unwilling to change or contribute. He doesn’t even pretend to want to give me money anymore. I (with my family’s help) am carrying every single expense in our household. He won’t even clean up after himself. He just lets dishes pile up. It’s pretty amazing. I have stopped sleeping with him because I decided that if I’m going to break up with him, I should not sleep with him…especially because I might get pregnant again! Every day I marvel at his shamelessness. I am not sure how to go about this. The truth is I need the three hours of babysitting he might provide twice a week. I am not sure how to proceed with our kids.

  23. pretty depressed! says:

    My deadbeat boyfriend was also my “best friend” when I was in a bad relationship with someone else. He was also my rebound guy. Little did I realize, I was just a pawn in his idea of competition with my former boyfriend. Once he got me, we were still friends, but the nice guy no longer cared about me (or our child!) and started exploiting me and my money. He is a total loser. Thank God we didn’t get married.

  24. I am currently a deadbeat enabler….my husband just got his 90 days in at a fantastic company, but then had to have his leg aputated. What bothers me is before he was sexting woman and trying to get with them. He treats me like crap and doesn’t care how I feel. I am a very strong woman. raised by an old school Viet Nam veteran Marine. My dad doesn’t like this person at all, and would rather see me alone than to have to deal with this idiot anymore. At the beginning of our marriage, my husband waited 2 months after we were married to tell me he spent 10 years in prison for killing a guy by hitting him with his car. He use to use Meth and I am not so sure he still isn’t. I don’t like drug users or idiots who lie, he my total opposite and someone I would have never chosen had I know the whole truth. I just want him out of my life and don’t what else I can do to get rid of him. I’ve asked him to leave and he won’t because no one else wants him around, even his own family. I need help and protection because this idiot knows a lot of bad people and I have 2 daughters 17 and 15 that don’t need this in their lives either. We have only been married for 3 years and we have nothing together. So it should be easy, but with him, I know I will pay a price… PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!!

  25. bill cross says:

    My wife enables her two kids, adults, who continue to live as criminals. One has warrants that he will not clear, the other might be in our basement soon. She will not see beyond the fact that she is their mother and feels “doomed” to support their lives no matter what. It’s killing her with stomach pains (among others) and fits of severe stress. It’s destroying our marriage because I can see the truth, but she refuses to. Hopeless is what it is.

  26. Wow, where was this article when I was in the midst of it all. I think it’s fantastic that you opened up and wrote about this experience. My ex-husband was all three and he always toed the line. It was a constant struggle and even after being divorced from him for a decade, it still can be rough. When it was happening to me, women didn’t really speak out about these issues and I ended up thinking I was doing something wrong to make him behave the way he was. I think my biggest struggle was realizing it wasn’t really anything I was doing other than enabling him to treat me and our children poorly. Unfortunately, one of our sons is following the same pattern and now he’s treating me the way his father did. I have some tough choices to make in the near future which I never even conceived I’d have to make and I already know it’s going to break my heart…

  27. estelle says:

    I don’t know how got blinded I meet this man fail in love with him not even a month he tell me a story bout is mom rent for me to loan him money an I did now is geven me any Cain of escuse an I know is making money weekly because I see is account like really an he see me everyday struggling because I am broke

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